- See Below for Update!
Neighbors are like the family you never wanted or asked for. Whether or not you get along is irrelevant. They will still be there day in and day out no matter how much you wish they wouldn’t be. Part of the reason I live in the ‘burbs’ is so that I have fewer people in my space and business. And yes, I realize how old and curmudgeon-y I sound. I’m aware of how much I suck as a human since apparently we are a social species. Obviously there are many different types of neighbors and I like (cough, cough- hate) all of them to varying degrees, but my fav are the bears. I call them this because they hibernate. You never see them. They seem to come and go at odd hours and a rare glimpse is exciting and eventful. Usually these are my absolute favorite kind of neighbors. They stick to themselves and don’t bother anybody, its a win-win. My husband and I used to live in an apartment in the city and went 7 years without meeting any of our neighbors. Not one! It was hilarious and amazing.
We recently bought a house (and by recent I mean 3 years ago) and we realized we have a couple of bears hibernating across the road from us. I’ve met the husband 3 times and still have yet to meet the woman. I’ve only ever SEEN her twice! In three years! And we are outside all of the time- you parents understand the dangers of hibernating with small children. Do so at your own risk. They will probably end up eating you.
These neighbors recently got a dog. And get this, every day the man puts their dog on a leash and walks him across to our yard to poop on the edge of our lawn, sometimes right on my driveway. And then he leaves it. Seriously. A huge steaming pile of dog shit. WTF. Hahahaha. It’s so ridiculous I wouldn’t believe it if it wasn’t happening to me. Every time I go for a run or take the dog and kids for a walk we have to dodge a minefield. Who does that? Especially since they don’t know us. We’re not friends. We’re not enemies. We’re nothing. How am I supposed to take this? It’s some kind of sign, right? Obviously we have wronged them in some way. What the actual fuck.
Moving on to how I’m retaliating in this poop war (except it’s not really a war- I’m not a participant and am clearly getting my ass kicked). My ideas are as follows:
- Signs. My first reaction was to go online to find some passive aggressive signs to place in my yard about the sheer disgustingness of the situation. I was hoping for some along the lines of: ‘I have kids that play here dumbass!’ or ‘Have some respect for yourself and this neighborhood!’ or my favorite ‘We have you on camera and will not hesitate to shame you online!’. Okay maybe not so passive- but definitely aggressive.
- Return the gift. My next idea was to go out there with a shovel and fling the shit back into his yard. This would be gross, but rather cathartic I think.
- Fight fire with fire. The most obvious would be to walk my dog across the road and have her shit in his yard (two can play at this game!) but apparently (and to my utter disappointment) my dog suffers from a shy sphincter- I could walk her for days, but she will always wait to poop until she is safe at home in the middle of my yard. Sigh.
But first I talked to my sister about it and she basically told me to grow up and speak to them first since we will be neighbors for the foreseeable future and it’s much better to have friends rather than enemies as your neighbors (my sister is wise beyond her years- or my years at least). Sure sure, I can totally talk to my neighbors and be an adult. And not flip out. And not call them names. And not punch anyone in the throat.
In my head, the easiest way to do this was to catch them red handed. Pretend to get the mail when I see them heading my way. I have this whole speech in my head. I would pet the dog and comment on how cute she was and then casually mention the poop. ‘It’s really no big deal’, I would say ‘we would just really appreciate it if you picked up after her’, ‘it’s just that we have kids’, blah, blah, blah. The whole time I would be hiding the bulging vein in my neck. The problem lies in the fact that I can never catch them. I’ve only ever seen him do it twice (the sheer number of the piles along with witnesses in the neighborhood proves it’s a daily occurrence). Our front yard is pretty big, so by the time I see him out there, he is back in his house by the time I get to the street. So now I’m finding myself staring out every window I pass like some crazy lady. Was that him? Shit! Did I miss him? No, that’s someone else. Damnit. It’s almost become a game with the kids. A sad, sad little game. Groundhogs day, every day. Tick-tock, tick-tock. And still I wait. Still I wait…
* As much as I would love to wrap this up in a pretty little bow and tell you all how it went down, it hasn’t happened yet. Still no contact. I’m determined though, and something’s gotta give before I go completely batshit crazy over this. Watch this space…
* UPDATE- I finally confronted them! That’s right folks, I put on my big girl pants and used my voice! This is how it went down.
Me: ‘So, I was just wondering if you could pick up after your dog when you guys come over here.’ (Notice how I didn’t ask him to stop shitting in my yard- just that he picks it up when he’s done).
Him: ‘I just did pick up after her.’ (I have since learned that he comes over about once a month with a pooper scooper and cleans up a few piles).
Me: ‘Well, I’m not sure about that since I see a lot of piles out here. It’s not a huge deal, but I have kids and I would really appreciate not having to dodge them when we go for walks.’
Him: Silence…. then more silence. Then finally, ‘Well, we better go.’
Talk about awkward! What the hell?! Any normal person would be embarrassed to be called out and would apologize and/or make an excuse. And get this- literally the NEXT day I hear from another neighbor that they are selling their house and moving across town. Hahahaha! I could have avoided the whole conversation. BUT, I obviously needed a lesson in communicating.
And how did we leave things? Well, as a parting gift he left a HUGE pile of dog shit in the middle of my driveway that I proceeded to accidentally run over and bring into my garage. Touche, dickhead neighbor, touche.